Despite Fierce Competition, Athletes Show No Sign of Breaking Down…  Ever

On Monday the Games Committee unveiled the third and final challenge to a very crowded field of plastic competitors. At the start of the Games many pundits were questioning if our athletes would have the durability to make it this far, but now they are predicting the plastic will persist well past the closure of this competition.

This has left many fans wondering what will happen to their favorite athletes once this competition wraps up. “It’s unclear,” was one plastic’s response. “Historically after a short career most of us would compete overseas, but there isn’t much of a market for our talent there anymore

Unfortunately, this is true: experts predict that unless we find a way to reuse our athletes…   See Full Story on Page 2

OPINION: MY TAKEAWAY FROM THE GAMES SO FAR

If we have learned anything from the competition, it is that plastic is all around us. “I didn’t think I could really compete in the games,” according to an actual human spectator we spoke to.

“But then I realized just how much plastic I had lying around. It really makes you stop and think.”

WHO IS BAG BOSS?
OUR OWN PLASTIC
VIGILANTES ON THE CASE!
SEE PAGE 9

LARGE DONATION OF SMALL PLASTIC

Officials are exploring the possibility of starting up the Microplastic Games after two generous donations of very small plastic from unexpected sources. L. Laundry and T. Tires were kind enough to donate up to 30% of all the plastic floating in our oceans today in the form of microplastics.

So how did these two amass their microplastic fortune? “Synthetic fibers,” according to a spokesplastic for the Laundry estate. “Anytime you wash a piece of clothing that is synthetic–like polyester or nylon–small bits of plastic end up in the ocean.”     Continued on page 3