FROM THE OFFICE OF THE SOCIALLY DISTANT GAMES COMMITTEE
May 6, 2020
For Immediate Release:
Committee has agreed to retire the jersey number 90.5 to honor one of the Plastic Games’ most influential players
In other news, after many Zoom call discussions, the Committee has agreed to retire the jersey number 90.5 to honor one of the Plastic Games’ most influential players. While many of you might associate 90.5 with your favorite radio station, we of course are referring to the estimated percentage of plastic that has NEVER been recycled.
Weighing in at an impressive 6.3 billion metric tons, 90.5 is perhaps best known for their versatility and controversial one-and-done mentality. In recognition of their many achievements Britain’s Royal Statistical Society awarded 90.5 the International Statistic of the Year Award in 2018.
Like all great athletes however, 90.5 has faced their fair share of criticism over their relatively short career. “They can be difficult to work with,” former teammate Recycling Bin told us in a Plastic Games Exclusive. “While the rest of the team is busy practicing, 90.5 can often be found floating in the ocean. They’re never where they’re supposed to be.”
While other teammates declined to comment, we believe it is this very same attribute that made 90.5 such a dominant player on the field. “They’re everywhere,” complained longtime rival Reusable Bag. “A defender’s worst nightmare! Do you have any idea how hard it is trying to reduce 90.5’s impact when they never run the same play twice? It’s like they’re opposed to reusing old material!”
When asked about the legacy 90.5 will leave behind coach Phil Land had this to say: “Look, nobody was talking about them a couple of decades ago and now tons of athletes just like 90.5 are being produced each year. If that’s not the mark of a legend, I don’t know what is. I think it is safe to say that 90.5’s impact will continue to be felt around the globe long after they’re gone.”